A Month In Hell

 It has been a minute since I wrote anything here as of late and for a reason. My sciatica came back and I've been dealing with it just over a month now. Don't know exactly what caused it to come back, maybe a factor of things but it did happen and the pain was so severe that I could barely even stand up, let alone able to walk.

Couldn't sleep in my own bed for weeks and had to sleep on a soft mattress on the floor. Not going into gross details about using the restroom so I'll leave that out. Couldn't sit upright to even eat or drink anything so I had to lay literally on my back or on my side to do those things and needed help getting supplies in order to brush my teeth or even shave. I didn't have anybody lift me up to walk because let's face it, it's not something I want people to attempt with me. When I did walk, every step felt like pin needles and a crowbar hitting my lower back and my right leg like Babe Ruth swinging a baseball bat. 

You know shit gets bad when you can't even sit down to do anything. I' am very grateful for the help I did get and made a vow to myself and to them that when I'm 100%, I'm making up for those things as if my life depended on it. For exercise, I was barely able to move my legs to stretch without feeling pain. I had to fight for every inch of movement just to even get some in. In the beginning, I focused mainly on stretching and using my Iso Bow for Isometric Training so my upper body was still strong enough to move around. A lot of crawling took place and couldn't go up a flight of stairs for at least 2-3 weeks. The pain was so horrible I didn't want anybody around me at times because I would've just been a terrible person to be around. 

I ended up losing some muscle mass in my legs because the pain was so bad I couldn't walk a couple feet without collapsing. Even the last time I went to see a chiropractor I was in such bad shape walking in and out of the building felt like an eternity. I didn't take a bunch of pain killers or heavy doses of muscle relaxers, for supplantation I took Vitamin B, some Ibprophen and a pain reliever throughout the day every few hours, a couple capsules for Nerve and blood circulation, Zinc, Potassium & Magnesium. When I did take relaxers, I took a small dose (or at least to me it was small) of them at night but that barely even helped at all as most nights I wouldn't be able to sleep. Lots of Heat & Ice as well.

One of the worst feelings other than the pain was having no appetite. I would barely eat once a day and that was just so I can take the supplements so they can kick in. Little by little as time went on, I did start eating more and ate mainly eggs, bacon and toast. The only things I drank was mainly water and liquid IV to get some extra hydration in. I would never wish this on anybody, no one should suffer like that and it did feel at times that I wanted to die because I practically knew nothing but severe pain. Because of the loss of appetite, I ended up losing 11 pounds in less than 3 weeks (roughly 18 days to be exact), it was that bad. That's not a healthy way to lose weight I don't care who you are.

Once things started to die down, I would move around more, able to stretch out as best as possible and kept up with my Isometric Training with the Bow doing Bow & Arrow Pulls, Pull Apart, Chest Squeeze & Bicep Curl. Each exercise was done with 3x10 countdown. That's really all I did for my upper body other than the crawling. I started doing DDP Yoga again, making up my own routine or what I could do. It was an instinct and researching every single fucking thing I could on how to fix myself as naturally as possible without being on a bunch of drugs. I could barely even stretch out with most of the moves at first, all the moves are embedded into my memory from doing them years earlier but getting back into it was like being in a fight with Mike Tyson. I kept up with it and ordered the DVD's to fully work them, I'm not the biggest fan of following along to a video but I needed to do something and because I was able to modify the moves, I was able to work around the workouts. The first week or 2 back into it, I made up my own routine and just worked moves as best as I could with the limited mobility I had. Shortly later, I'm able to do a good portion of the moves, modify a few here and there but my flexibility and strength was slowly coming back. After more than 2 weeks straight of doing this, I'm now able to do full on workouts without taking a break or having to pause. It's only been three workouts but those three really got me going again and my endurance is coming back as well. The third workout which I did yesterday was one of their main Leg Workouts called Below The Belt which lasted roughly 40 minutes, I pushed through it modifying only a couple of the moves and did it in its entirety without stopping (unless he said to take some water and wipe off some sweat which at times was only a few seconds). That was one of my biggest moments.

I set little goals for myself and my wife gave me daily goals to accomplish and I did them all. I'm not looking for sympathy, I did this to myself and wanted to do whatever was possible to get out of it on my own, I did have quite a bit of help on a number of things but I wanted to keep fighting and was doing things I didn't want to do and/or feel embarrassed to even talk about because I was and still am ashamed of myself. Only a few people knew what was going on other than the people with me. I didn't want to talk about it until I felt I was getting better to even attempt to write it out and was comfortable to say what I needed to. 

I'm almost completely healed, I have no pain in my back and only feeling discomfort in the nerves in my leg. I'm able to cook and do dishes again, able to bathe without collapsing or having to lay on the bathroom floor to ease the pain, able to walk down the street and back, hold a deep squat without being in agony, walk around with little limping and able to work around things I couldn't even attempt when this started up again. I'm not taking anything for granted and will be smarter about training and making things I normally didn't an asset. I'm not going to push myself the way I used to, I'll still challenge myself but not be gung ho as much and only go hardcore when I'm absolutely confident enough I can get through it unscathed. If I'm doing high reps of anything anymore it would be the Dopa Bands for circuits and Step Ups for leg conditioning, other than that, keep things just enough to be healthy and strong in the long run with better mindfulness. I'll still do some stuff with kettlebells, bands, hammers and bags but not go as crazy, just enough to feel good. 

Thank you for taking the time to read this, I appreciate all of you and if you're ever in a situation like I was or worse, get the best possible help you can and take care of yourself the best way you can. Be grateful and understanding and know that there are people who would have your back, those are the real people that make the world a better place. If you want to do your best to avoid this type of thing, get DDP Yoga, its worth it. Do what you can with it and make it a part of you, it's one of the best things out there and am very blessed I'm able to do it again. 

Here are pics I took yesterday to show the progress I made. I may look whiter than Casper's head and because of the weight loss, I' am a lot slimmer than I used to be. I'm currently at around 237-238 lbs at the moment. Have an amazingly awesome day and do your best to be positive even in the toughest moments. 

Training & Update

 Been a tough road for the past month or so as my sciatica came back and with a vengeance. It started up again slowly while I was in Lake Tahoe visiting family. Was able to walk around and swim and all that but the moment we left, I was in various amounts of pain and when we got home, it hit me like an aluminum bat over and over on the right side of my body. The pain got so bad that often times, standing upright felt impossible and it took a toll on my physical and mental faculties. Bathing was excruciating and getting food to eat was unbearable to the point where I had little to no appetite. 

Mentally, it made me irritable, frustrated, angry and even depressed. I got no one to blame but myself for this and have been beating myself up over it. I'm not saying to make anyone feel sorry for me and not using it to throw a pity party, I'm saying this because this can happen to anybody; young or old even to world class athletes and we aren't 100% immune to it. It has been so painful that it nearly takes the cake over my broken leg injuries all those years ago. Am I showing my age? Maybe, but I'm certainly not dead and would never want anyone experiencing this, even those who've talked shit about me. I have a lot to make up for once I'm better and have made a vow to double my efforts to make up for lost time recovering.

Despite the pain and the emotional toll, I still train everyday no matter what, even if its for a couple minutes just stretching and/or do beginner level animal moves. Is it getting better? Slowly, yes and my flexibility, strength and agility is coming back in micro steps. I've done nothing but stretching, casually walking until I need to squat down and doing increments of the animal exercises from Vahva Fitness. Sometimes I do push through the pain but anybody can only tolerate so much. I know it has taken a toll on my wife and I'm just so grateful for her and what she has done to take care of me, she's strong and pushes me to get better everyday. She truly is my best friend and not just a companion but the ying to my yang, the crazy that matches my crazy and the far better half. I tell her everyday since this happened that the moment this thing is over, she'll be treated beyond the level of a goddess than I already do and going to make up for all things I was meant to do for her, even the little things. My mom has always seen us as the Bobbsey Twins and is quick to remind us of that often. We take care of each other and always have each other's back, I couldn't ask for such an amazingly awesome woman.

Although the workouts are brief, I know I'm getting stronger. I'm standing upright longer now, lasting better in my walking and have taken measures to stretch using my Isometric Belt to generate greater flexibility and even doing certain stretches Isometrically targeting my hips, hamstrings and glutes. I'm definitely feeling it but it's no where near as painful as it was in the beginning. I've only talked about this closely online with the Facebook Group Vim Vigor & Vitality that consists of those who practice Isometrics and other alternative forms of exercise and fitness. These guys are so supportive and have made awesome suggestions. One guy in particular, Batman O'Brien told me that because of what I was going through, he wrote up a series of exercises for me personally to keep up on and that he couldn't let this thing with me go on and insisted on helping me. It was such a powerful gesture and most of what he sent me I was already doing except a few things here and there. He even called me a legend in the Physical Culture world, the guy is twice the author and fitness advocate than I'll ever be and he calls some dude from Santa Cruz a legend. That was so profound and humbling to me that I told him that as much as I appreciate the gesture, I would never refer myself as that because to me, I don't feel worthy of that word. 

It may not be over yet, but soon, I'll be back doing what I love and making it more of a habit to keep up the maintenance so I can be at the type of strength and conditioning I know I can be in. This has been the worst I've felt in years but I can't give up nor can I allow this to go on. Pain may tell you you're not dead but pain can change your brain chemistry and turn you into something you don't want to be. It can be depression, full of negative emotions and it can make you mean at times and it's not right, it's not natural and sure as hell isn't someone I want to become. We're all human and we all have lived with some sort of pain in our lives but it's not natural to feel pain especially heavy sciatica pain 24/7 for the rest of your life. Take care of yourself and be amazingly awesome.    

The Nerve Pain, The Muscle Spasms, All Gone: IT'S OVER!!!

Just the feeling of bruising but the sciatica injury is finally over. Merely keeping up with maintenance and being slightly more cautious is what I'll be doing for a while but this long ass episode has reached it's finale. The pain was enough that I wouldn't wish on my worst enemies and being so damn limited made me frustrated, irritable and drove me crazy. 

What made me notice that it was gone? I had an idea in mind that was risky but my intuition was telling me it was going to work. I tested myself in a Bear Crawl Sprint Workout that was 10 seconds on, 20 seconds off for 5 minutes. Aside from feeling a little tension, I busted through that workout with ease without a shred of pain, not even a little bit. How's that for irony: A sprint workout told you you were injured and the next sprint workout tells you you're healed. Funny how the universe works.  

I'm back and it feels fucking glorious man. I still believe in my heart that if I wasn't in good of shape before, this injury would've been far worse and the healing would've taken way longer. That's the thing, if you train with intent to help prevent injuries as much as possible and be able to heal quicker when you do makes all the difference in the world. This one didn't heal as fast as I wanted to (I' am edging close to 40) but it did heal when it was meant to. I felt my flexibility coming back and my strength was right there when I needed it. Conditioning is really a life saver and in my mind, the fountain of youth.

If you've never experienced Sciatica, I really hope you never will. I feel so grateful not just for what I had to do but I'm grateful to my wife and my mother for being there for me even though I was a royal pain in the ass and feeling so damn guilty that I didn't want to burden them. Putting them through that especially my wife was something I never want to do again, neither one deserved to see me like that. I owe them big time and I will always take responsibility and heat for what I did to myself. I can't and will never blame anything or anyone other than myself. Life is too damn short and you do what's possible to make the best of things. 

This was probably one of the most humbling experiences of my life and part of it is starting to show on my age and my ability to heal but in a weird and twisted sense, I needed to go through this in order to understand how important certain things are in life and that it was another one of life's tests where you learn and figure out what you have to do in order to rebuild yourself inside and out. This put another perspective on why I love to train and why it continues to push me even in tough times. The majority of the time, all I did was stretching which to me is still training, I never once led up or took a day off because if I did than I would be giving up on myself and the people who need and I wasn't going to let that happen.

Even on days where I had doubts this thing would ever heal, the voice in my head told me to keep fighting and battle the demons from within. Trust the process, do what needs to be done and be humble and grateful for what you have around you. It goes back to that old notion "With Great Power, Comes Great Responsibility." Be safe, kick ass and keep being amazingly awesome. 

The Deep Squat: A Powerful Exercise For Sciatica

As of right now, my sciatica injury has been more of an annoyance than just being in pure pain. From wearing a belt to ease the painful nerves to stretching and other exercises, heat/ice, hot and cold showers it really is almost over. For the most part it just feels like a punch in the ass more than anything (if you got to make jokes, just get it out of your system, will they see the light of day will remain to be seen) along with getting stronger. 

I started doing Suspension Training again doing only a few exercises mainly hitting the muscles of the back and stretching but two of my favorites that I noticed really easing up on the tension and alleviating pain is the Bodyweight Row and the Assisted Deep Squat. I took the Worldfit Iso Trainer out for a spin at the park the other day doing rows, curls, deep squats and hanging. It was one of the best workouts I've had in weeks and it made me feel so incredibly good that when I walked home, it felt much easier than when I was going to the park and having to squat down every now and then to ease some of the pain. 

If I had to pick one exercise that has made a difference in this whole process has been the Deep Squat. Whether assisted or just going into the position anywhere, it has given me some of the best relief I've ever had during this time of recovery. It has given me a greater appreciation of how important Squats really are. Yeah sure doing hundreds of them is awesome and helps with conditioning (although I prefer step ups most of the time), holding the Squat or the ATG Squat gives off a lot of great benefits that we sometimes ignore or don't notice. First off, just getting into the position for many is a chore and depending on your flexibility, it's not fun in the beginning. Second, once you get into it, holding it a few seconds is all you can do and getting back up can be humbling. Third, once you can hold it for time, there's more to what is happening than just what you're seeing. It creates that natural positioning where it can relieve back pain and open up the hips along with building a relaxing spot for the body and mind.

We all know what squats do but do we appreciate and understand the true magnitude of them even if its just sitting there? There's a huge difference in knowing how to do them and understanding the importance and gratefulness they provide. I'm not saying I'm going to go back to doing 500-1000 squats anytime soon but having the strength, flexibility and mindfulness to be able to hold the position or even the horse stance for that matter has a far greater importance than just repping them out repeatedly for an extended period of time. Not everyone is going to knock out hundreds of squats when they're 70 or 80+ years old but if you have the ability to hold that position at that age and still able to get up and be springy, to me that's far more impressive. 

The Assisted Deep Squat using a counter top, chair, sink or whatever as leverage to go so damn deep that you're ass is literally touching the floor is so fundamentally awesome it's not even funny (unless you're into some sick twisted shit than you do you LOL) but in all seriousness, the Assisted Deep Squat exercise is not meant to do hundreds of reps but to allow your body to sink into a natural position comfortably and essentially give you the ability to stretch and strengthen the low back and lower body. It is not a conditioning exercise even though you can go that route but a strengthening exercise to utilize the body to what it was meant to do. Think about all the people who can garden, pick fruit, play games and meditate without feeling pain and being able to get up with ease; it's incredible. What sounds better long term: Holding a Squat for more than 10 minutes or doing 500 in less time? Doing both is quite a feat especially at an older age, but as we get older, sometimes holding a position gives you a better sense of strength and having that spring in your step. I'm not saying reps don't hold merit, they very much do but in reality, getting down and up even one time can make a huge difference in the world in certain situations. 

Practice the Deep Squat as often as you can even if its a couple minutes a day to start and just being able to hold for 10 minutes or more without hurting and standing back up like its nothing. Do reps if you wish but think about the strength and power you'd have just holding a squat in a meditative state that has you oozing with energy. Start with assisted squats and progress to just squatting without holding onto anything and hold as long as you can.  

Closing In On The Home Stretch

 Not 100% out of the woods yet but my recovery is near its end. I can feel it drifting away little by little. I still have moments where there's little shots of pain down my leg but it's becoming less and less. It has been a very slow process, far slower than most injuries in the last number of years and I'm just itching to get back to my old self again. 

At times the pain was so great that it made me irritable and lash out which by all accounts I hate doing to anyone. I also hate taking stuff to numb the pain and part of me needed to suffer in order to punish myself for what I put myself through. Didn't take enough stuff to become addicted which is a good thing. I wasn't popping pills like they were fucking M&Ms, just a thing or two to relieve some of the pain in order to go about my day. Got this one thing called Nerve which helps with circulation and gives the nerves in my body an extra boost to help me recover since some of the pain was shooting down straight into my ankles and feet starting at the hip. Only take the recommended dose. 

Seen a Chiropractor half a dozen times now and most likely need a couple more adjustments to realign this sumbitch and the guy that has been working on me is really damn good at what he does. Like I said it has been a slow process but I know it's almost over. I've been slowly getting back to strengthening and lengthening my body doing stretches (mainly), cables, isometrics, Sandbell training and loaded carries with a lighter weight. I have also been using my foam roller which at times does feel painful but I'm getting that bad alignment readjusted and you just take it for what it is. 

Over these last, I think it's now almost 6 weeks, there's been lots of ups and downs, restless nights, moving like an 80 year old man ready to die and struggling mentally to keep my sanity. To distract myself, I got caught up in the fight against those who have been so extreme against those who are LGTBQ and the things these people put up to justify them as a whole has just burned a hole in my brain. I have friends and knew people in that community and it breaks my heart that all this hatred towards them because a few bad apples made their way into the news. Believe me, I'm totally against grooming or forcing kids against their will but from a statistical standpoint, nothing compares to the grooming and sexually exploitation of kids in Beauty Pageants and those in religion who've taken advantage of young boys. All this shit with Trans folks is an extremely small number in comparison and yes whoever is hurting kids should be punished but not all Trans or gay or whatever are like this. 

Throughout this whole process and the pain, it boils down to keep fighting because you want to get better and there will be days where it feels hopeless but you can't give up because there are people who need you. I have strong feelings about what I do in order to build myself up mentally and physically. It's not meant for everyone and some will say I'm an inspiration and others will say I'm a pussy and have no value to anyone but whatever my beliefs are training wise or in my thoughts about the news and hatful/fear being spread around, I see things from a different angle and at times only I'll see it and that's ok. Once this shit is over, I'll be seeing my training with a greater appreciation and determination.  

Let me end this with a bad ass Disney Song with that fires me up every time and sung not by the original singer but by an up and coming artist who's expressive, has a voice that pumps up the blood in your veins and makes you never hear your childhood songs the same way again. Have an amazingly awesome day and be good to one another. Don't give into hate, that leads to the Darkside. 

Pain Is A Powerful Lesson

 Been one of the hardest months of my life physically as this Sciatica injury is just kicking my ass. All the stretching, the rehabbing and doing everything possible gets frustrating and full of doubt. This is quite possibly the worst injury that involves so much pain for so long since my accident with my legs. Talk about misalignment and the feeling down your leg feels like getting a mobster taking shots with a baseball bat. 

For small periods there is little pain but other times, might as well be debilitating. The reality is, I know it'll end sooner or later and what I'm doing is helping, it's just hard as hell to be patient and let it heal. I also can't give up on myself either and stop training because without training, I'm not me and that vow I made to myself a long time ago that the day I can't do anything training wise is either when I'm dead or in a coma. The pain is excruciating but I can't just stop. When it becomes so painful that putting on clothes or even standing to do dishes becomes a difficult task, there's something not right there.

I don't believe I tore anything or ruptured anything otherwise I wouldn't be able to walk at all but yeah, I have a fucked up joint in my hip that shoots down my leg. No I'm not looking for sympathy or want anyone to feel sorry for me, I did it to myself and I can't blame anyone. Facing it head on is hard enough and beating myself up comes with the territory with me. I don't wish this amount of pain on anyone, not even the ones I have issues with. Pain is a powerful lesson but it also gives you an opportunity to find out what you can do despite the pain. When you feel so limited, it feels like defeat even though it really isn't. Fighting to get back is a road that takes many turns and the paths can go anywhere. There are signs that point you in a direction but what you choose becomes a defining factor of when the destination hits a standstill. There is doubt, frustration, anger, thoughts of giving up, wishing you had morphine on hand and doing anything possible to not feel pain but you keep fighting anyway because the moment you give in to any of those things, you failed and I can't fail no matter how many times they're thrown at me. 

I don't deserve special treatment or deserve to be helped. A part of me wants to suffer and deserves to suffer because I let it happen. Another part of me understands that I can't control 100% of the time what happens to me because injuries can occur at any moment and no matter how good we are at training or how much knowledge we have about avoiding injuries, it creeps up on you and the moment it does, you're tested to see what is possible while you recover. You're hurting and beat up but like Rocky, you keep going, you keep fighting until you can't anymore. Even though it's painful, I'm still in the fight and as Captain America would say "I can do this all day" and do whatever it is you have to to get back to being your true self again. 

Even Batman gets hurt and with all those bruises, shiners, busted ribs at times and taking on tasks that most humans couldn't even do at 1% of their best, its important to realize we're all still human and we can't heal like a a Wolverine or Deadpool even though we wish we could. Pain is a bitch of a teacher, but every teacher gives us an opportunity to learn and grow. The struggle is real but the journey is part of that struggle and you keep moving forward inch by inch if you have to. 

Updates On Sciatica

 It has been a rocky road to recovery from my sciatica injury that started nearly a month ago and although the pain comes and goes, it still pretty damn shitty that I can't do what I love to do at my best. Got no one to blame but myself for having it happen and it hasn't been easy trying to do even basic things like walking and standing. There were times where it took me longer to put my clothes on than I normally would. What injury is ever easy? 

Trying different things at a lower pace and even doing beginning stages of certain exercises to help heal. Some things do ok, others not so much and the pain levels sometimes reach excruciating heights that it hurts to put on my socks and shoes. With all the things that I've tried, the two things that seem to bring any comfort training wise is Isometrics and Joint Loosening exercises. Even the most basic animal moves hurt except maybe the Bear Crawl which I only do a minute each day. While we were at the Hot Springs in Montana earlier this month, I did mainly go in the hot and cold pools which temporally helped ease the pain and do Isometrics in the room. 

The Chiropractor is helping to an extent but it's so damn hard to not want to push myself. When I go a little further, that's when it really acts up. I have pushed myself to the point where even climbing stairs feels like an eternity and I really need to listen to my body and stop being so damn stubborn and full of pride. I really don't like it when people have to help me even for the easiest things and sleeping has been a nightmare. 

My sciatica is about as inflamed as you can get and the pain in my nerves shoot all the way down my right leg that ranges from a 3-9 on the pain scale. I haven't felt pain this bad since my leg injuries back in '05. I'm not giving up on myself, I'm still training just in a much smaller capacity and I'm just so damn ready for this thing to be over with. Sometimes I want to see what I can still do but get in my own head and push myself beyond what my own ability is right now and end up suffering for it which maybe is a lesson I need to learn in order to understand how I can find a way to keep doing things but not at full capacity or even half. By my own observation, pain tolerance and the way I can move, my best capacity level of what I know I can do is right now at best 20-25% of what I normally can do and that's stretching it. For me that's just downright horrible but I need to just let my body do its thing and give it time. 

When injuries happen, the biggest fight is with ourselves and at times we'll just barely do anything because we either give up or don't know how to deal with it, other times we fight so damn hard to come back that we overestimate our abilities and can make things worse. We do need to find that balance but the one thing that should always be there is the ability to keep going but work on the progression and doing our best to know our limits but go above them little by little even if it's microscopic. I know damn well that there are people out there who have it far worse than me and they hold their pain in better than I ever could but that's why I also fight to come back because I know this is not going to last forever and it'll give me a better appreciation that I can beat this and that it's important to be thankful I'm still able to do things even in a smaller setting. It's hard but it's not forever. I will be back hitting hammers on a tire again, I will have my agility and strength back doing crazy animal stuff and I will dominate the step ups again because that's one of the exercises that has kept my legs in great condition in the first place. 

If you're injured, don't give up on yourself, fight back and make it your mission to be better again. Strengthen yourself but also listen to your body even when that part of you wants to push beyond, we can only push so much but it doesn't mean we have heart. Keep being amazingly awesome and keep on keeping on.