Been one of the hardest months of my life physically as this Sciatica injury is just kicking my ass. All the stretching, the rehabbing and doing everything possible gets frustrating and full of doubt. This is quite possibly the worst injury that involves so much pain for so long since my accident with my legs. Talk about misalignment and the feeling down your leg feels like getting a mobster taking shots with a baseball bat.
For small periods there is little pain but other times, might as well be debilitating. The reality is, I know it'll end sooner or later and what I'm doing is helping, it's just hard as hell to be patient and let it heal. I also can't give up on myself either and stop training because without training, I'm not me and that vow I made to myself a long time ago that the day I can't do anything training wise is either when I'm dead or in a coma. The pain is excruciating but I can't just stop. When it becomes so painful that putting on clothes or even standing to do dishes becomes a difficult task, there's something not right there.
I don't believe I tore anything or ruptured anything otherwise I wouldn't be able to walk at all but yeah, I have a fucked up joint in my hip that shoots down my leg. No I'm not looking for sympathy or want anyone to feel sorry for me, I did it to myself and I can't blame anyone. Facing it head on is hard enough and beating myself up comes with the territory with me. I don't wish this amount of pain on anyone, not even the ones I have issues with. Pain is a powerful lesson but it also gives you an opportunity to find out what you can do despite the pain. When you feel so limited, it feels like defeat even though it really isn't. Fighting to get back is a road that takes many turns and the paths can go anywhere. There are signs that point you in a direction but what you choose becomes a defining factor of when the destination hits a standstill. There is doubt, frustration, anger, thoughts of giving up, wishing you had morphine on hand and doing anything possible to not feel pain but you keep fighting anyway because the moment you give in to any of those things, you failed and I can't fail no matter how many times they're thrown at me.
I don't deserve special treatment or deserve to be helped. A part of me wants to suffer and deserves to suffer because I let it happen. Another part of me understands that I can't control 100% of the time what happens to me because injuries can occur at any moment and no matter how good we are at training or how much knowledge we have about avoiding injuries, it creeps up on you and the moment it does, you're tested to see what is possible while you recover. You're hurting and beat up but like Rocky, you keep going, you keep fighting until you can't anymore. Even though it's painful, I'm still in the fight and as Captain America would say "I can do this all day" and do whatever it is you have to to get back to being your true self again.
Even Batman gets hurt and with all those bruises, shiners, busted ribs at times and taking on tasks that most humans couldn't even do at 1% of their best, its important to realize we're all still human and we can't heal like a a Wolverine or Deadpool even though we wish we could. Pain is a bitch of a teacher, but every teacher gives us an opportunity to learn and grow. The struggle is real but the journey is part of that struggle and you keep moving forward inch by inch if you have to.
