For the most part, nobody is more critical than the person you see in the mirror everyday. The wars you have in your own mind and the battles that you keep surviving yet left scars, put you in a state of what's to come and what you're prepared to do. Many of these battles is how to determine what's good and what is wrong with what you have been taught.
It can be very difficult to trust people for some especially those you admire or have admired and taking in the teachings and wisdom of those you learned from. You learn what to do, but also learn what not to do and we don't always know what the real difference is. You get caught up in other people's crap and getting sucked into something that isn't meant for you but still battle to get out of. It happens to everyone at some point and it can be a pain in the ass yet for some, it's easy as pie.
I trust an extreme few people and one of them isn't even alive anymore so when that extreme few starts reducing, it becomes harder and harder to find someone you can go to whether for help or want someone to listen and they still have your back. I battle with myself everyday figuring out what lessons I've learned that I can apply to certain things or do the right thing. My parents taught me things I will always carry with me and apply to my life but they've also taught me things they don't know about what not to do and some of it is easy and some of them are not. It's decisions you make that keep you moving forward or putting yourself backwards.
Looking back on some of the lessons I learned from Bud Jeffries, I make them a huge part of my life and the knowledge and wisdom he gave me are things that should never be ignored especially when it comes to how you apply yourself to your passion and how to treat people. I have often slipped through those lessons and gotten myself caught up in things that shouldn't really apply to me but it is a force of habit. I've put myself in situations on forums and on youtube that should never have happened. Bud taught me to stay away from forums or at least ones that don't really give a damn about your passion or what you love because many of them are full of opinionated people that don't have any real knowledge and the few people who have knowledge, get caught up in the drama and negative bullshit that leads to keyboard fighting and pecking at people we will never meet. I've told you about my signing up and deleting accounts on a certain forum I won't mention, I admit, I lost my sense of direction and focused on the bullshit more than the knowledge. I put myself in a bad place and part of me feel like I've let Bud down even though he'd tell me "get back up and know that you've made mistakes and that you're human."
For youtube, I admit I became obsessed with a certain Blue Collar man's channel and got caught up in his bullshit rants and his views on society. I made comments that just blurred out at times and tried going on a quest that really led to nowhere. For the most part, he's nothing more than a misogynistic sociopath who has no sympathy or compassion for basically anyone and sometimes think he hates his own kids. It all goes back to that point of like a car wreck "you know it's wrong, but you can't help but want to look at it" and that's what I did, it was like a drug that I needed a fix. I was weak for doing it and it was stupid to continue doing it. There are far better things to view out there and it's important to see your flaws and correct them before it becomes something much worse.
We battle ourselves everyday. We keep surviving and it's important to not let our mental battle scars get the best of us and take it one day at a time. You learn to be better by being better with yourself. Some days are harder than others and you don't want anyone to feel your pain. Most people won't give a flying fuck what you tell them and they'll even make comments that will try to shred you to pieces but at the same time, there are people out there who are going through some of the same things and value what you do say and share their experiences to let you know you're not alone and that the world has its beauty and positive influences that can be used to help others because let's face it: in a messed world, even flowers bloom out of the chaos and destructive powers at hand.
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