We live in an age where technology and information runs a muck and it can be extremely overwhelming. Let me ask you this, if you took someone who can absorb a ton of info and it passes by them from time to time or it can impact their thought process in a general outlook that doesn't do much afterwards; now take someone who's memory is so powerful and so absorbent that even at times the smallest amount of information can be extremely overwhelming. Because of the Meningitis I had as a baby, it re-wired my entire brain structure and has taken on a life of its own by having me do things very differently.
Because of my memory and process of information, I have had rollercoasters running through me my entire life and at times it fucking sucks. I'm not going to lie to you, it has put me on a whirlwind that isn't easily controlled or watered down. You have seen my facebook posts, my tweets, my love for exercise, the weird and odd videos plus a few cool effects here and there but what you don't see is the real reason behind them. When I'm focused and in that zone, it's really a mere distraction of not letting my mind go ramped because if it did, my brain will go all over the place and with how I can recall memories, it takes an emotional toll on me that I never discuss.
I'm not telling you I'm so different that i'm the only one of my kind of people, there are people out there that have it far worse than I do and I never wish anyone to have pain and roller coaster minds that can never be controlled. I do believe i am unique and go through things a little differently that even those closest to me can never understand. I have amazing memories but also some very hard and tough ones that when I do recall them, it can be almost traumatizing to a large fucking degree. When it's so difficult to find that balance especially if one's brain works and doesn't work like everyone else's, it can leave you paralyzed emotionally. Overall, I'm happy with who I Am but there are times where sleeping at night is a chore and your mind is all over the place and the only way to shut that off is by completely exhausting yourself physically that the only thing on your mind is being tired and needing to just pass out.
I will say this, I'm very shitty under pressure and if i'm pressured into something not only completely out of my element but have no real interest in, it turns me into someone you don't really want to be around. For me, I can only absorb so much that when it becomes overwhelming, not only do I show it but can be very vocal about it. When I read these exercises books and articles, I often at times feel like I'm expected to do them or feels like I'm being told to my face that if I don't do what's written or talked about, I feel guilt and dismembered mentally and feel like I'm a person who is wrong. When that's planted into you through years of absorbing and having being told what to do for the sake of others, it becomes so painful that your entire being feels like it is carrying a lot of weight.
One of the reasons that fitness is in my life is because outside of all the chaos, love and painful things I've endured, it is one of the purest things I can go to that doesn't have any ill feelings towards me and I can be truly myself. When something as pure as that is being pushed around and people tell me that it's a hobby or it is wrong due to certain style of movement, it makes me want to smack them up so damn hard, 5 generations will remember it. You know the old adage of an Elephant never forgets? I'm like that so if you ever hang out with me, talk to me on the phone or get up in my face, I will remember it and not only that, I remember how I felt in those moments as if it was happening at this very second. A lot of people in my life never understood or grasped at the thought of how strong my memory and my way of absorbing emotions and info can truly be.
The most difficult thing with memory is the complete utter and universal inability to block out memories in and of themselves. There are people who instinctively or conditioned to block out memories due to whatever reasons good, bad, ugly whatever but for me, total impossibility so when a certain thing does trigger a memory, emotions are flipped on as if it was a switch. This is my blessing and my curse and I'm not ashamed of admitting that and those who can deal with me in those moments, you have my sincere and complete respect and love. Many of us have fear of being completely ourselves and there are ways to play around it but if you have to work so damn hard at being you, it takes a toll more on yourself than the people around you. I fear almost daily of being my true self except for the people who really let me be that way. Down to the smallest fraction, I'm growing out of that fear to be my true self around anyone regardless of who they are.
I wanted to share this with people who have had similar issues in their lives and feel they're alone, you're not. Life itself isn't easy so when you add on to things like being on a roller coaster in your own self, things can be a bit more crazy. Remember, life is never easy, but it can be interesting, learn that and things can start changing and you'll see things in a whole new way. Be amazingly awesome and don't forget who YOU ARE!!!
No comments:
Post a Comment