Tuesday, November 22, 2016

Battling My Own Demons

This will be a different article than you're use to reading especially when it comes to a different side of me I rarely talk about. So as a warning there will be things you may not like and things you don't want to hear or read but I feel the need to open up a bit.....

A lot of issues that I've had for years have been in my own head and have doubts about myself from time to time that I can't always let go. It's an uphill battle of emotional fitness so do speak and some days I just want to be left alone and need to be in my own element. I struggle with trusting people in my life and there's an extreme few I do trust and two of them are my biggest female influences (yes you're one of them holly my love, you give me hope and love when I need it the most).

I don't easily get depressed because a good portion of the time I end up laughing at the most random things and some people I know just can't deal with it because it's weird and think i'm some kind of freak or something. I do however have a side to me that when I'am down, some people sense it right away and want to help but sometimes you just need to let me be, I'll get out of it eventually and I'm grateful those who do their best to help but I need to be left alone in order to be my best again.

My struggles with trusting people has been a battle with me ever since I was little. People I love and cared about have stabbed me in the back and I never truly got over it and feel alienated by them because I felt used for their benefit. I have been forced into little things that shouldn't be a big deal and a lot of them really weren't but I make them big for some reason. It's not fun being rejected and it definitely isn't fun when its your own flesh and blood, the people you look up to when you were younger. I have been used for my strength, my level of sympathy for others and being used just to be manipulated to help someone else. I'm very much a happy person and I do love what I have and what I have earned money wise, respect from others and what I have received from others that makes me thankful for what I'am. I have a horrible ability to cry and at times when I have it's usually something major and it doesn't last too long. I don't ask for sympathy, I don't ask to be felt sorry for and I certainly don't ask to be praised for; all I do ask is to be heard and form your own outlook and quite frankly because of my nature I do care about what some say good or bad because it's who i'am.

I have tried to please others for so long and be helpful to them in whatever the best I can. I still do on occasion and on those occasions I still get used and fall for it. The only people I truly please these days are the ones that truly matter to me and I don't ask anything in return because they are worth it to me and I do it because I feel it's important for them from the little things to major things that really hit it for them. For those that I do my best to please have become the same people that stabbed me in the back and wanted more than they should've gotten out of me.

I've always been a loving and caring guy; anybody who knows me knows this wholeheartedly and I would go to the ends of the earth for those I feel the closest to. I don't truly hate anyone but there are those that I love so unconditionally it shows and there are those that I do love but can never love to death because of what they have done to me emotionally. I have been beaten up, torn down emotionally and have been physically exhausted from trying to be there that don't give it back a fraction of what I've given and its made me want to punch someone in the face so many times but I don't because to me it'll make me more like them than who I truly am.

Life is never easy no matter who you are or how rich you are or how poor you are and what your status is to society but in the end it's up to you to make it interesting and what YOU can control. We all have demons, some far greater than mine can ever be but push comes to shove I'll be open about myself. I have many influences in my life and that includes the three women in my life that have the biggest on me and that's my mom, my girl and my second mom Juanita. Others include Bud Jeffries, Logan Christopher, Tyler Bramlett, Kevin & Michael Nicholson (my brothers from another mother). These people have shaped my life in ways no one else could even if they don't realize it. I may have my own personal demons but they're the ones that make the light shine brighter than anything else. Whether you think more of me or less it doesn't matter, what matters is that I hope you have a chance to read this and that you know how open I can be. Fitness is not always about being in physical shape or what's better than what, it's about learning how to be fit in areas many never see and what shapes them both inside and outside.

No comments: